I Do Not Compute
by Void of Shining Darkness
Summary: Telling stories around the campfire late at night, what could go wrong? Wait. What do you mean you were almost married to a computer?


~~~SOMETIME AFTER GAEA IS DEFEATED~~~

"-And then the big pink fluffy Octopus took the bald Skunksnake's hand and they all lived happily ever after." Everyone laughed and clapped as Leo finished his story.

"Nice one, Leo. I think it's your turn, Percy." Jason chuckled, still not recovered from the hilariousness of Leo.

The camp was gathered around the Campfire at three in the morning, since no one wanted to deal with the nightmares that the wars had shoved into their sleep. Chiron had allowed this begrudgingly, seeing as the puppy-dog eyes of every single camper appeared to be too much, even for a centuries old centaur.

"Alright," Percy leaned forwards and propped his head up in his hands. "What should I tell?"

"How about the one where you almost got married to a computer." Piper suggested, grinning with amusement. She was the only one who knew of this story, as she had been the one to find him on the shore.

"Do I have to?" He whined.

"How come I've never heard of this, Seaweed Brain?" Annabeth demanded, slightly hurt that he had kept something from her.

"Errr-um" Percy mumbled as he tried to think of an excuse that would save his girlfriend's feelings. He was sure that simply saying he was too embarrassed to tell her wouldn't stop her from feeling bad.

"Come on, Prissy. stop making goo-goo eyes at Chase and tell the 'frelling*' story!" Clarisse yelled at him, impatient and grouchy from lack of sleep. Not that she would admit it, but she was terrified of the nightmares too.

"Clarise! Language!" Hazel blushed, still not used to how freely people swore. Percy, thankful for a distraction from his girlfriend's accusing glare, decided to begin telling his humiliating tale.

"Well it was a few months after Leo killed the earth mamma and was still touring the world with Calypso..."

* * *

And I was floating around the ocean because I couldn't sleep. All demi-gods have had trouble sleeping. But, I think me, Nico and Annabeth ha-

* * *

"Annabeth, Nico and I, Seaweed Brain." Annabeth corrected, still peeved at him.

"I think Annabeth, Nico and I had-"

"Thought."

"Okay, okay! I thought Annabeth, Nico and I...

* * *

Had the worst dreams. Everyone else have dreams about what if Gaea had won, monsters chasing them but not being able to move. That sort of stuff. But we had dreams of good ol' tartar sauce. Yes, I know I said it wrong! Jeez guys! You were the ones always telling me names have power! (Now Percy was the one peeved).

So, as I was saying; I was floating around, doing nothing but looking at fish, which seemed to be swimming in the air to me. Wouldn't it be awesome if fish could live outside water? But then there might be a problem of them going in grocery stores and eating all the bread, so we'd have to eat our jam on crackers. That would be disgusting, unless someone made a bread-like cracker, and the fish would eat it all again. But then- ("Okay! We get it!") Yeesh. Sorry for being ADHD Clarisse. That was _really_ nice. ("It wasn't supposed to be nice.") One word: sarcasm.

All of a sudden, this plankton came running towards me yelling "I will get that secret recipe!" He ran right into my leg. Of course I wanted to help the poor little guy out, so I asked "Recipe? For what, cake?" Because as you know, everybody loves cake. ("I don't.") You may say that, but secretly, you love cake. It's a wonder you're not the same size as the whale that came barging after the cake obsessed aquatic... thing. I don't know if plankton fish or plants, or whatever.

(Clarisse reached for the oblivious son of the sea God's neck, but Annabeth kept her from killing her boyfriend, even if he deserved it.)

I used my awesome water powers to keep the whale back. Dude, it's not nice to eat fishy things, they're people too! (Annabeth was so busy saving Percy's life that she couldn't say 'No, Percy. Fish are fish, _not_ people, as your misconception'd mind may desperately wish to believe.') And she started yelling like crazy! She was so angry that her pink dress started to float up around her, and I had to use more of my awesome waters powers to keep it down. ("Er- Percy, fish don't wear dresses.") Listen, Jason, first off, whales are mammals, _not_ fish, secondly, this one did wear a dress. So _there!_

Then a crab wearing blue shirt and jeans. But the most noticeable thing about him was the _huge_ belt keeping his pants up. Seriously, that thing ginormous! I couldn't take my eyes off it, who has a belt _that_ big? ("Apparently, the crab." The Stoll brothers said at the same time, highly amused.) The crab with the huge belt started to yell at the poor defenseless plankton. So I stepped in front of the little guy to protect him, and get this; more fish came and started throwing rocks at me!

One of those rocks hit my head, knocking me partly unconscious, which was bad. But what was really bad, was that I landed on the plankton. A squirrel came up in a tank-suit-thing and said, "What in tar-nations is going on- Is that Neptune's son?!" Which was followed by the fish gasping. I have no idea how a squirrel recognized me, and the fish didn't. That's just weird. (No one decided to point out that fish wearing clothes was more weird than fish not recognizing him.)

I was too busy being half-unconscious to correct them about me being Poseidon's, not Neptune's, son. Anyway, some of the fishies started running away in fear. The plankton yelled something, and then a helicopter came, grabbed me and the plankton ("Percy-" Annabeth started, but stopped when everyone glared at her.), and flew away. Which was when I went fully unconscious.

I woke up in a bucket. An actual giant bucket. With a handle and everything! In the bucket was two computer screens. One had reddish-pink casing, the other had blue casing, they seemed to be talking.

"Isn't he cute!1?" The pink one squealed loudly, I seriously think she burst my eardrums. (Clarisse leaned over to him and yelled: "Hey Prissy!" _really_ loud) Gah! Clarisse, what was that for? I was just sitting here, minding my own business when you- ("You said you eardrums burst, so I was-") You know what? I don't really care.

The blue computer seemed to glance at where I was lying on the floor. "He doesn't look like anything special."

Which caused the pink one to gasp. "You did NOT just say that, Karen!11! Didn't you hear!?1 He's Neptune's son!11! We're destined to be married!"

"First off, Sarah, don't use inappropriate text sequence in my presence. You know that makes my circuits crawl. Second, I don't care if he's Neptune himself, he's drooling all over the floor. Do you now how hard it is to keep things tidy without hands?" Karen replied, annoyed.

"look karen its not my fault that im stuck on fangirl mode." Sarah pouted as much as a computer could.

"Yes it is. We both know you tore out the switch yourself. Oh, look. There goes your capitalization and punctuation. Joy." Sarcasm was heavy on the last word.

"kaaren!11! we bth now tht me nd him r gttng merried\1!" The broken text scrawled across Sarah's screen. Even I, with dyslexia, could tell that something wasn't right with that lettering.

"Sarah! Sarah! Calm down! You don't want to be kidnapped by the Grammar Nazis again!"

The pink robot froze, and visibly calmed. "Okay. But we're still going to have a gazillion babies and you can't stop me!"

Karen had just enough time to ask "How would that work?" before Sarah somehow grabbed me and threw me over her non-existent shoulder.

I had woken up enough at that point to, I am ashamed to admit this, scream like a person-who-was-being-kidnapped-by-an-insane-computer-lady. Wow, that's a mouthful. I was so loud, I think I disturbed Hades' beauty sleep.

After a while, we came upon a random wedding alter, priest-fish and all. Sarah shoved me into a groom outfit and stood me on the alter. Fish swarmed onto the seats.

"Do you, Sarah, take the Prince of the sea to be your lawfully wedded husband?" The priest began. (Annabeth glared at him.) I see that look, Annie. Trust me, I had no idea what was going on, or I would have stopped it sooner.

 _"YEESS!111!"_ Sarah screamed.

"And do you, the Prince of the sea, take Sarah to be your lawfully wedded wife?" The priest-fish turned to me.

"Er- what?" I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Do. You. The. Prince. Of. The. Sea. Take. Sarah. To. Be. Your. Lawfully. Wedded. Wife?" He took _way_ too long to explain that. Thankfully, my brain had used that time to catch me up on the odd situation.

"No! _Nononononono!_ " I turned to the psychotic computer. "I'm sure you're nice and all, but I already have an amazing girlfriend. And, not to be rude, but I don't even know you!"

An error screen appeared on her... screen. "I do not compute. True love does not return affection? Impossible. Yet.. I do not compute." Her screen started glitching out. "D-d-do not...-no-not-nonon compute. I-i-i-im-pp-osible. Tru-e-e-e love returns affe-etion?"

"This is getting out of hand." I muttered to myself. Yes, I know it got out of hand _long_ ago, but whatever. "Dad! A little help here?" I yelled at the water. Suddenly, a large explosion happened, blowing me back a few feet. The alter was destroyed and fish were screaming 'My leg! My leg!'

"Heh, sorry about that." A voice said from behind me. I turned to see my father in all his... green skin, mermaid tail, and red flowing locks of hair? "Don't mind that." He said sheepishly, and teleported me back to the surface, far from all the insane robots of the sea.

* * *

Percy bowed, and stood up quickly. "I'm tired, see ya guys in the morning!" He called, and walked to his cabin. As he lay down to sleep, he didn't notice his window didn't show the camp like it was supposed to. Instead, it showed a red error screen.

"T-t-tr-r-u-u-e-e lo-v-v-ve."

* * *

 ***Wanted this to be a K story, so I couldn't put the _other_ 'f' word***

 **Well, what do you think? I decided I needed a break from my doom'n gloom stories, so I made one that made no sense whatsoever! I hope you enjoyed! Please review and tell me your opinion!**


End file.
